Friday, April 13, 2018

Akala ko

Akala ko noon ako'y palayo na.
Ngunit sa isang iglap ng iyong ngiting para sa akin,
Itinalon ang malayong agwat at humarap nang muli sa'yo.
Umasang tama ang naging desisyon ko.
Ipinaramdam ng kaunti ang natitira mong pag-ibig.
Lumigaya namang saglit,
Ngunit bakit parang may mali pa rin.
Pinilit intindihin ang mga bagay na alam kong nagbibigay depinisyon sa iyong sarili.
Binigyan ng pagkakataong yakapin ang iyong mundong nakasanayan, ang iyong buhay na ginagalawan.
Ngunit, sa kabila nang lahat,
Aking napagtantong ibang tao na ang hinuhubog kong maging ako.
Hindi tamang pilitin ko ang aking sarili para lamang masakyan ko at masabayan ang iyong pag-ihip.
Hindi tama. Hindi.
At sa isang iglap nang aking pagpikit,
Pagpikit nang saglit habang malalim ang iniisip sa aking muling pagbalik,
Pagbalik sa iyong bisig, yakap at halik..
Bigla nalang tumulo ang luha,
Nagtaka at idinilat ang mga matang tila'y nakapikit.
At sa aking pag gising, nakita kong sa iba mo na iniaalay ang akala kong pag-ibig na aking binalikan.
Matapang na binalikan sa pagasang alam kong mayroon pa ring "tayo".
Bakit ganoon? Bakit ganoon kabilis?
Isa lamang ba akong pagsubok na iyong sinubukan para malaman kung may natitira pa?
Isa nga lang ba akong parausan sa mga panahong walang wala ka?
Isa nga lang ba ako sa mga babaeng patuloy mong niloloko?
Isa nga lang ba ako, isa nga lang ba ako sa mga taong iiisantabi mo lang matapos na pakinabangan?
Maraming tanong na alam kong hindi na masasagot.
At ito na rin siguro ang panahon upang iwanan ang mga katanungang ito dito sa aking kinakatayuan.
Eto na, eto na ang simula,
Simula nang tunay kong paglayo...
Wala nang lilingunin, tatakpan ang tenga at mata.
Hindi na makikiramdam sa mga ihip at haplos,
Hindi na muling papapigil.
Wala nang pintuan para sayo, mahal ko.
Tanging dasal ko lamang, lumigaya ka sana nawa, sa mga kagaguhang hinding hindi mo natatapos.


Thursday, April 12, 2018

Positively Happy

I don't know if I should blog this but I think it will help my mood and feelings.

It happened very fast. I don't know. We were good at first and biglang hey something poked me na hindi talaga right and I'm not okay sa set up.
Yes, I understand him more the moment I met his friend. I tried. I really do. Tinry ko yung set up na gusto nya and tinry ko rin yung attitude na will catch him but 'til the end, wala pa ring nangyari. Things don't really work out the way I wanted to be.

I realized that maybe we really differ in lifestyle. He's a guy who party, a guy who loves everything that will make him "YOLO". He is a guy who prioritize FUN. And I am not. I prefer chitchat with friends, hangout with friends pero not in a party way. Siguro sa ganong matter kaya I can't understand him and he can't understand me.

Yes I was also shocked. That in just few days of not being okay, he is inlove with another girl na tipong lagi nyang sinasabi sakin na he's not into playing and stuff na (Hahaha okay gaga alert para maniwala ba?) Another thing, sa ganon kabilis? Well i don't want to comment na hehe. And yea, I thank God coz he made me strong. Nashocked, somehow nasaktan in a way but hindi grabe. And i'm wondering kasi na yung issue namin is publicity, then all of a sudden, he's posting a girl's photo and all pero ang show off nya sakin he doesn't want to do that. Idk what's his purpose pero Idk I felt pain yet I also felt happiness for him.

Maybe this time, that girl would change him. Maybe that girl is the answer to all his wants. If ever, I'm happy for him. Sana nga si girl na.

Let's all be happy and accept everything that happened na. Yea, ginago ako. I invest and invest and invest and invest pa pero walang ROI. Hahaha. Pero ganon naman talaga siguro. Kahit anong pakita mo ng worth mo, pag hindi ka gusto and hindi para sayo, hindi makikita. Well, let's just accept it nalang.

I already accepted the situation. I'm just taking my time to be sad and happy at the same time. There's no room for hoping and I shouldn't have too, also.

All my prayers to the guy I loved the most and to his new girl. I wish that both of you will find happiness to each other. 🙂


Isa lang naman wish ko, na mafeel kong kahit pano naging worthy lahat ng ginawa ko and na malaman nya kung gaano ako nasaktan while risking everything for him by not asking anything in return of those investments. Pero I know di sya ganon.

And there's still a question in my mind na, why would you continue keeping me kung hindi mo naman pala ako gusto in the first place? Are we talking money matters here? You know, di ako nagsumbat. But hey, I also wanted to remind you that I was there when you needed someone.

Kung gago rin ako like him, pinagsalitaan ko na sya nang masama, minura and all. Maybe kinausap ko pa si girl, ginulo ko pa sila. Pero hindi e. Di ako ganong person to ruin someone's happiness.

Well. That's all. Si God na bahala. PLEASE DON'T MAKE STORIES FOR HER NA, DON'T LIE. JUST BE YOU.


let's all be positive. 🙂

Friday, March 30, 2018

GOOD FRIDAY

Today is good friday...

We reminisce how God sacrificed himself from our sins. God is really good.

I'm currently watching My Exs And Whys.
Seryoso ngayon ko lang naappreciate 'tong movie na 'to. Last time na pinanood ko to sa sinehan, hindi ako masyadong nagandahan. Ewan ko. Siguro kasi di ko pa nararanasang masaktan non. Yung true pain. Pero ngayon, naiiyak ako. Hahahaha!

Pero i still wanna thank God from everything.
Liza's line made me remember everything...

"Nasaktan? Kayong mga lalake kapag nambababae kayo akala niyo nasasaktan niyo lang kami. itutulog lang tapos bukas OK na.. yun ang pangarap namin! pero hindi . Walang tigil ang takbo nang utak. Pinipilit sagutin ang maraming tanong… Bakit niya kaya nagawa yun? M.. may kulang ba sakin? Am I not enough? Pangit ba ko? Pangit ba ang katawan ko? Kapalit palit ba ako? *no* Then Why !? Bakit mo ako nagawang lokohin” 😭😭😭


I also remember the line na ganito yung thought "eto eto ka na naman, nagbabalik. Ginulo mo na naman yung mundo ko "

Sobrang relate ako. Ang sakit.
Pero every night I always pray to God.

"Lord, if ever sya yung para sakin then help me to be strong. Tulungan nyo po akong kayanin lahat, na wag syang sukuan. Sa kabila nang lahat ng paglalaro nya, pageexplore nya, nawa'y humaba pa pasensya ko at maintindihan ko pa sya. Pero kung hindi sya para sakin, tulungan nyo nalang po akong kayanin na wala na talaga, kung hindi ko po kaya na agad agad syang makalimutan, tulungan nyo po ako na hindi nalang maattach. And para sa kanya Lord, kung hindi nya ako nakikitang para sa kanya, maisip nya sanang hindi na ako paglaruan. Pero sana Lord, maisip nya at maalala nya kung ano yung worth ko. Kung ano yung kaya kong gawin para sa kanya. Kung gaano ko sya kamahal. Pero kung hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa, nawa'y magsilbi nalang kaming lesson sa isat isa. At ilapit nyo po saamin yung taong para samin. Hindi pa rin po ako nawawalan ng pag-asa Lord, naniniwala pa rin ako sa timing nyo. This time Lord. maghihintay nalang ako. Kung kami, hihintayin ko yung perfect timing namin na okay na sya. Okay na ko. Ready na kami na kami lang dalawa. Pero kung hindi, maghihintay ako sa tamang tao para sa akin. Thank you Lord! So much."


Yung movie na to. Sobra akong affected. Ang hirap magmahal, ang hirap magtiwala ulit pero I swear, hindi ko rin alam bakit hindi pa rin ako sumusuko sa love. Kahit anong gawin ko, kahit anong itry ko na mainlove sa iba, sya pa din yung on top. Malapit nang mag isang taon. Pero naniniwala pa din ako sa plans ni God for us. Eventually, my answers will be answered. I'll always praise you, Lord! 😇





Monday, March 12, 2018

Palayo

Sa t'wing naaalala kita,
Lalo akong sumasaya sapagkat naaalala pa pala kita.
Gabi-gabi kong idinarasal na sana,
Sana dumating na ang araw na hindi na kita maaalala.
Ipinagdarasal ko sa Kanya na kung ikaw ay di para sakin,
Tulungan nya sana akong tuluyan ka nang mawala,
Mawala sa bawat oras, lugar, pangyayari na ika'y palagi kong naisasama.
Patagal ng patagal, palayo na ako ng palayo.
At kung paano ako lumalayo,
Ganoon rin ang paraan mong paglayo sa akin
At sa bawat ihip ng hangin, dumarating na.
Dumarating na ang araw na tuluyan na nating malilimutan ang lahat ng namagitan.
Ang dami kong natutunan.
Ang daming nagpamulat sa akin sa kakaibang lakbay na ito.
Sinama mo ako sa byahe mo,
Ngunit iniwan mo lang rin ako sa may dako.
Hindi ako nagalit, kung hindi mas inintindi ko kung bakit.
Bakit mo nga ba ginawa sa akin iyon?
Mali. Bakit ko nga ba hinayaang gawin mo ang mga bagay na alam kong hindi ko dapat inako.
Bakit ko pinapasok ang isang taong alam kong hindi naman talaga para sa akin.
Mali. Ito'y dahil binigyan ako ng leksyon.
Hiniling ko, hinanap ko, minadali ko.
Napala ko kung ano ang dapat mapala ko.
Pero ngayon, ito na ang panahon ko para magising.
Mamulat, matuto at gamitin ang lahat sa pagpapatibay ng sarili.
Habang ika'y lumalayo, hindi na ako nakatayong pinapanood ka,
At hinihintay ang bawat paglingon mo sa iyong likuran.
Habang ika'y lumalayo, itatalikod ko na rin ang aking sarili,
Palayo sa taong minahal ko ng buong buo at nagbigay sakin ng napakaraming aral.
Hanggang sa muli, haharapin ko na ang taong para sa akin habang ako'y tuluyan ng tumatalikod sayo.
Tamang oras, tamang panahon at tamang tao.


Wednesday, February 28, 2018

Take Her To The Moon

by: Moira Dela Torre

I know it's been a while since our eyes last met
Too many words were left unsaid
Your head was poking out of the driver's seat
Eyes full of tears, I couldn't leave

No matter what I do,
I still feel you coming back to me
When I know that you never will
So before I say goodbye,
would you do one last thing for me?
Be happy

And take, take her to the moon for me
Take her like you promised me
Say you love her every time like how you told me the last time
Someday I know we'll meet again
In heaven by the rainbow's end
And I only wish you happiness
Until we meet again

Wish I could stick around and fight back your tears
Tell you "My love, I'm still here"
Someday we'll understand why I had to leave
But for now I need you to set me free

No matter what I do,
I still feel you coming back to me
When I know that you never will
So before I say goodbye,
would you do one last thing for me?
Be happy


And take, take her to the moon for me
Take her like you promised me
Say you love her every time like how you told me the last time
Someday I know we'll meet again
In heaven by the rainbow's end
And I only wish you happiness
Until we meet again

No matter where you are
You'll always have my heart
No matter where you are
I'll love you from afar

So be happy


--

This song give me so much feels. Someday we'll meet again. I just want you to be happy. :(

Thursday, January 11, 2018

Three and Eleven

A tragic year ended so fast
Nightmare that I'm finally out.
Another year I wanted to gasp.
New chapter I will surely shout.

You came in unideal way
Yet you started my year so right
This feeling that I need to chase,
even if we differ in height 🤣😅

A crush that never mine to keep.
Those feelings of mine are all tips.
I'll make myself happy and grip,
'cause you made me feel like a kiss 💋😘

I'm enjoying every minute,
Laughters, teases and seriousness,
Those we're the traits that winning it.
Thank you for all your kindness.

I am really glad that I knew you, dear!
A precious someone I will surely cherish and treasure!

Thank you for enlightening my life bugsbunny! 😍🤗 Whatever it may be, i'll always be happy for you and for your lovelife's big heart. I know how you love your girl and how you treat a female right. You deserve a hands up! 😎🤣🙌🏻

For more cheers moment besh. 😀🍻

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

A 2017 Journey

My life has been a roller coaster ride with you 2017. Fun, new experiences, happiness, love and life lessons... It took me a year to realize so many things this 2017. A splendid year turned into messed up, disaster, wonderful and full of lessons year. I will never forget this year! I know I am. SOBRANG DAMING GOOD AND BAD MEMORIES MO 2017! Tho, you really made me a better person. 

Let's start to tell my story from the month of January. This is the start of my new experiences. A new Renzi entering her new life with new friends and old friends. I got to experience so many things on my own. And then I knew this guy, sobrang bata nya pa. Pero uhaw na uhaw nga sa pag-ibig, so why not. Let's try! Nagustuhan ko naman sya, namiss ko rin yung feeling na may umiintindi. Pero ang bata nya masyado so hindi rin kami nagwork out. Naging nagger, needy and clingy ako that I forgot he has a life too and I have mine. Masyado siguro ako nastuck sa relationship na "nagmumunduhan". One day, he confessed na hindi ko raw sya deserve. I have more to offer pero sya wala. So ending? I let him go, then that's the start of my fucked up 2017 love life.

I never lose hope, I tried entertaining guys. Let's say mid April, nagparamdam na naman sakin yung ka-batch ko back when I was a trainee sa Ajanta. Ever since I feel attracted naman na sa kanya, I don't know pero ang bilis ko maattach sa guy na sweet, gent pero may pagka angas. Siguro influence rin ni DJ? Hahahaha! It was so funny because I remember why he started talking to me again is because I posted a picture on IG or FB, I can't even remember the exact account but I posted a picture of me with a nice face or would I say na medyo maganda naman talaga ako sa picture na yun. So ayun, we talked, chat and all. To the point na he also wanted to meet up again because it's been almost a year since we last saw each other. I remember pa I was going to a job fair nun sa dream company ko and malapit lang sya dun that's why I pushed him too na makipagkita. Honestly, gusto ko rin talaga. Pero he gave me signals na "sasaglit lang ako ha? Pupunta pa kasi akong Manila" I disregarded that signal, go pa rin ako. So to cut this story short we met and yung saglit nya? Tumagal hahaha. Naging mas madalas yung usapan namin pero hindi rin nagtagal. Dumating sa point na niyaya nya ulit ako, I think twice pero he didn't came up. 

Hanggang sa nagcome-up ako sa isang blog post..


Moving on to the continuation of May 2017 experience, I talked to another guy. He's nice and not really gwapo pero masarap naman sya kausap. He's more needy than me kaya medyo natuwa rin ako kasi I know he's interested talking to me. Pero one day naiinis na ako sa mga hirit nya. Masyado syang natutuwa sa mg good-looking friends ko. Until one day sobrang nacucute-an daw sya sakin pero hindi raw ako maganda. So that's one thing na na-off na ako. Hindi ko na rin sya kinausap after that.

Then June 2017 came.. He also came. Eto yung experience na naging pinaka maganda at pinaka mahirap sa kin. Almost all my latest blog post ay tungkol sa kanya. He is really the one who made me stronger. He gave me so much pain, he let me felt all the feelings I must feel when I am inlove. He taught me that love doesn't mean happy endings. It means suffering and sacrificing. He made me realize that I can love more than anything in this world. I can love selflessly. But, he also made me feel all the pain I can feel, he made me feel how stupid I am when I fall in love. He made me think how small I am compared to all other ladies. But the most lesson I learned from him is that I cannot get all what I want. Not because I lived to be outsanding, most cared of, it doesn't mean I'm on the top of everything and can't be touched by anyone. He is my most wonderful yet messed up experience ever happened to me.

I suffered August-November crying and realizing what is really the reason why I met my June guy.

-

I never stopped, I still try myself hard finding someone for me. Then, I found my November guy. He came to a bad relationship but 3 years. He is caring, he somehow pursue me. He made me feel that he loves me but I always feel that there's something less. I disregarded that feeling kasi baka nga feeling ko lang. Unlike my June guy, mas nafeel ko sa kanya na he wanted to tell the world that I am his girl. He fall in love so easily so am I. Honestly, before, di ako seryoso pero habang tumatagal gustong gusto ko na sya... pero habang tumatagal, nagbabago na rin sya. Lahat ng sinabi nya, iba na yung lumalabas sa actions. Dinisregard ko pa rin. Hanggang sa dumating yung birthday ko na never ko nafeel na excited ako (first time). He started to ruin my bithday. He broke up with me during my birthday. How bullshit it is diba. After a day, I found out that he's talking to other girls. Ang bigat and masakit pero I don't know why I feel used to it. Nakakatawa lang na nafeel ko talagang sincere sya and he won't cheat because alam nya yung feeling na lokohin, he also knew everything that happened to me. Pero, naloko nya pa rin ako. Well.. so we ended things between us. He blocked me.


So that was my almost summary of 2017 love journey. Hahahah! So many lessons I will carry to be much wiser for 2018! I can't wait for another wonderful experience to face and less problems please.

Hindi naman buong 2017 akong malungkot, nakapunta ako ng iba't ibang place, natuto ako sa lugar, naharap ko yung ibang fears ko, nakita ko kung sino nga ba yung totoong kaibigan na nandyan para sakin despite of my kadramahan. Nakameet ako ng new friends, we targeted our quotas sa work and most of all, I learned so many things.. :)


I don't know where 2018 will take me but I just wanna thank 2017. Lagi kong sinasabi na ang malas ko talaga this year pero narealize ko na ito lang yung year na ginising ako sa reality. 2017 had really been so hard saken pero kailangan nyang gawin yun para matuto and mamulat ako sa real life, real world... 


Thank You! Cheers to my life journey.. Let's see what will happen next!