Paranoid thoughts

I still don't get it why I feel what I am feeling now. I'm pissed, hurt and sad. Nakakainis kasi yung alam ko naman na panandalian lang yung ganon pero affected pa rin ako masyado. Nakakainis kasi kahit sabihin ko sa sarili ko na snob ko na ren to ha. Kasi inisnob rin naman ako, pag ayan na. Di ko na mapigilan. Di ko na matiis. Ang unfair. Hayyy. Sobrang unfair. Sya, kakusapin lang ako pag gusto nya ng kausap o kaya pag gusto nya ng magaalaga sa kanya. Pero pag hindi, wala na ulit. Bakit ganon. Apat na taon na akong trap sa ganitong sitwasyon pero hindi ko pa rin magawang makaalis. :( Hayyyy. Tapos ilang araw lang, feeling ko may mababalitaan na naman ako na sobrang ikasasakit ko. Nararamdaman ko yung pagbabalik loob nilang dalawa e. Nung love na love nya. Ano ba naman laban ko dun. Walang wala. Ang yaman, maganda, makinis, maputi at syempre gustong gusto nya. Eh ako? Mabait lang ako saknya. Yun lang! Yun lang talaga. Kahit nga siguro maganda, di ako pasok sa standards nya. :( Sad to say but yes. Hayyy. Tapos nakakausap nya pa yung isa nyang nakamabutihan rin. Sobrang nagseselos talaga ako. Sobra. Kahit walang karapatan. :( Kahit wala syang paki sakin. Kahit na. Naiinis pa rin ako. Gustong gusto ko na makawala sa ganitong feeling. Ang hirap kasi e. Ang sakit sakit pa. Pero hindi ko alam kung pano. Hindi kp magawa yung tama! Kasi sa twing medyo umookay na yung pakiramdam ko, yan na naman sya biglang magpaparamdam ng konti lang. Tapos mawawala ulit. KASI NGA DI NAMAN AKO GANON KAIMPORTANTE SAKANYA. malinaw naman sakin yun e. Pero andito pa rin ako. Huhuhu. Sobra na. Tangang tanga na ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko kasi talaga kayang iwan e. Kahit wala naman ako nakukuhang kapalit. Nagiging masaya ako pag masaya sya. Pero pag nakikita ko na masaya sya sa iba, sobra akong nasasaktan. Di ko na talaga alam.

At ikaw naman, mas okay pa siguro na di mo nalang ako chinachat, tinetext o kinakausap. Mas makakatulong ka sakin pag ganon. Sa totoo lang! Pag ginagawa mo kasi yung mga yan, naaattach na naman ako e. Napaparanoid pag seen mo lang ako o kaya di mo replyan. Kaya mas okay sana na wag mo nalang muna ako contact-in. K? Hayyyyy 😪😪

Maling Akala

"Buti pa sa ibang birthday present ka. Buti pa sa ibang surprises di ka nawawala. Pero dun sa pinakaaabangan kong special day ko, di ka makakapunta"

Akala ko kahit di kita sabihan, alam mo na eh. Akala ko talagang nireserve mo na yung araw na yun para sakin e. Akala ko magiging extra happy ako pagdating nung araw na yun e. Akala ko lang pala lahat.

Okay lang. Sanay naman ako na least priority mo. Sanay naman ako na hindi ako yung pinipili mo. Sanay naman ako na tatawagin mo lang ako kasi kailangan. Sanay naman ako eh. Sanay na sanay. Pero bakit nasasaktan pa rin ako? Nakakainis. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko magawang maging immune kahit ekspiryensadong ekspiryensado na ko pagdating sayo e.

Well everything is going to happen for a reason. Wala naman ako magagawa eh kung hindi ka pwede. Wala naman talaga e. Okay lang kahit hindi. Hays. I have all the signs to give up but I'm still here. Okay lang. Okay lang naman maging tanga diba? Okay lang. Sasaya pa rin naman ako sa araw na yun kasi ang dami kong kaibigan na pupunta at mapapatunayan na mahal nila ako. na IMPORTANTE ako sa kanila. Well, thanks pa rin. Dinagdagan mo na naman ako ng reason. :) Thanks!

Unjust Feelings

I thought my feelings we're all done,

until I felt something inside.

Shouting your name, saying it's gone

but I'm wrong 'coz it's just in mind.

Trying to think why it happened?

and I'm clueless of the answers.

My heart helped me to awaken,

all my feelings to shower.

This is me, still looking at you.

The same person that I used to.

I'm searching and doesn't find clue,

but I always wish it's not due.

And then, I realized the truth.

Feelings are not gone, just sleeping,

afraid to come back but it suits.

Please let me, not end up crying.

Latest poem so far :) 

By Renzi Arriola. (10.26.15)

It was all me

Everything is happy at first but when it is at second, it was all a disaster.
This is a sad story of my life. Beware of it.
I met a wonderful guy who made me happy and feel alive again. No expectations, no assumptions. Just the "kilig" and happiness. We used to talk for hours. We used to chat for hours. We used to miss each other a lot. We used to. "USED TO". Until it was almost over. Almost done. Almost nothing. Or should I say none at all.
People always make ways to drift away my happiness. There was always a villain in a scene. It would be impossible for me to stop those hindrances. Well, I USED TO FEEL THAT WAY. "ALWAYS". Maybe i will never be someone's first this time. I'm always the one who makes them feel the life in a lighter way. But how 'bout me? Who can help me carry those heavy loads I get whenever I made a person feel lighter? Who would help me stand up whenever I fall off the ground? All these time, it was all me helping myself. I am the only one. Sad but true. :)

A piece of advice fellas: If your friend likes someone, don't try to grab the opportunity to have it coz sometimes, you'll never know that it is the only hope they're holding on.

Unrequited Encounter

Important companion before,
   who turned butterflies in the core.
Silently wishing to honor
   those feelings doesn't want to pour.

I know there's no turning back,
   to all my feelings that were flock.
Love cannot return like a clock,
   so appreciate 'til it's blank.

Questions in mind always playing,
   how to start story from staying?
Afraid to find out sensibly,
   the answers of clueless dreaming.

I'm just another girl for you,
   whom you can lean when you need clue.
Tears falling down, doesn't know who.
I loved quietly but stuck too.

It's time I must say my own thoughts,
I loved you before it was caught.
Kept my emotion, not to fought,
'coz I know we differ in thought.

It was a poem I made last July 14, 2015. So far, this is my favorite work of mine. It speaks what my mouth cannot. It's all my unpoken words and unspoken feelings. I know and I already accepted the fact that I'm just an imagination and an option to your kind of world.

Definitely Invisible

Rainbows came by behind the rain.
The sun comes up after the pain.
It was all calm, unlocking chain.
Flowers seems to bloom, beautiful again.

Shattered memories were all gone,
only bright colors start to shine.
All that I foresee was the fun,
not knowing that it can be crime.

I let you go because it's right.
Never mine, but all yours to fight.
I'm the only one playing kite
'cause you never see, way up high.

All the sacrifices went back.
It seems that, in cards I'm just your Jack.
Questions in mind that were unjust.
Why does you notice them, so fast?

It would be better if you said you don't have interest. It would be much better if you tell me, "don't worry and never bother because it's nothing." But all you said means, you're getting there. You're slaying. I don't have any right but the hardest part was you know what I've been through all these time. You know my story. I told you my story. The pain just came back. The sacrifices slapped me again. The memories are remembered. I don't know how to act because I don't want to be selfish. But, it hurts when you can't just tell me. You don't have the guts. It was all mine since everything changed. I let go because it's the right thing to do. I don't want to be stupid anymore. But even though I changed, there was still a part of me carrying those pieces in the past. It's not easy to throw away those memories I had. Those memories that made me happy and fulfilled. Those memories that made me know myself more. Those memories who hurt me. And most of all, those memories that made me lift up, love again and focus on myself. Those memories that made me realize my worth. It's not easy. I told you, it's not easy. If you were going to kidnap and grab the opportunity, why not. But I will tell you, I will be uncomfortable. I can gradually recover but I don't know if I'm going to be okay with that. I will accept but I may not bless.

Maybe some people will understand me, and maybe others not. It makes me sad knowing that it doesn't notice me. All the efforts, all the sacrifices were all waste. It will just prove me, face to face that it really doesn't belong to me.

Someday, I can get out of the moment. I can live without you slaying my old happiness.

"I'm just a butterfly flying with no reason and finding my desired match that can only use me and leave me after"

"I'm just an invisible angel, doing all the efforts just for you to be in good hands but cannot notice and be acknowledge." 

Yes! I'm stuck and I'm trapped.

Soon.

Maybe someday, I'll carry those guts to say it to you. At the right time, right place and right moment.

So please, Wait. ♥

Parting Attachment

Eyes kept close for a time,   
   moments changed just like a crime;
Clueless of the outcome,   
   falling tears to mount.
What's happened to our promise?   
   do I need to please?
Many questions in my head,  
   imaginations and happiness we're dead.
Where are you?   
   does emotion we gained, ended too?
I don't know what to act,   
   maybe I must start to crack;
Goodbye is what I never meant
   but in the end, it's you who we're bent.

-Renzi Arriola (07-05-15)

Blameless Thoughts

An innocent guy
    who captures my day;
A moment from fate,
    to a feelings infatuate;
Expressive feeling so cling,
    never to hide and come up fling.
Emotions unknown and not revealed,
    forever to keep, my eyes be filled.

Renzi Arriola (06-21-15)


A poem made out of inspiration from an innocent guy who always made my day.


MANY MORE POEMS TO COME! SOON.

Crazy Thoughts.

"We could happen." Those words that played in my mind right now. I remember the feelings and what should it be if I never gave up to it.

What ifs. What if I told him I like him?
What if? What if?

I remember everything. Yung lahat ng sacrifices ko.
Nawala man yung feelings ko, bat bigla ulit bumalik.
There was a small lightning that flows in my heart. Feeling ko bumalik lahat ng sakit.
Feeling ko, hindi nawala yung feelings ko. Nabawasan lang.
Nuh. I don't know either.

I can't understand my stupid feelings for him.
Why? What should I do?

As I said to him. "You'll always be my Daniel Padilla" ♥

“SURVIVING COLLEGE”

College is all about surviving. It is the road of every person aiming to become successful. Some individuals depend on their colleges or university names while others depend on what they can improve and deliver to school yet also to themselves that will make them reach the higher level. High school graduate students are at the peak of being ready for the next school year. Students are thinking of their future when they commit to a certain university/college. Some of them are being excited to explore their skills like leadership, academic, outdoor or indoor sports and more extracurricular activities. Each one of us has our own experience and stories about surviving college. I started to become a college student after I graduated high school which was June 2012. I haven’t experience to take an entrance exam and test my knowledge if I was qualified. I haven’t experience cramming in finding the college/university that suits me. Most especially, I haven’t experience finding difficulty while searching a course that will match my strengths, abilities and skills. There are many reasons why did that happen to me simply because I was stuck in a college where my mom and dad finished their degrees and also due to its convenient location. In that case, I have only one choice to choose a course and that is to know what the college offers are.  I have my two choices: INDUSTRIAL ENGINEERING and MARKETING MANAGEMENT. It’s funny because the two courses are total opposite but that’s what my mind wants. One of my choices is industrial engineering because “ENGINEERING” is a big word and a heavy tone for the ear. Another reason choosing industrial rather than other engineering courses is because IE doesn’t require taking a board exam after graduate. It will not make my heart pounding in months. I thought of myself to be called “Engr. Renzi Arriola”. At some point, I felt doubtful because I remember all of my experiences taking the subject calculus when I was in high school. That is my greatest fear. I got 88 at calculus before and I admit that it’s not my 100% answers. I just rely on my classmates answers (so, I thanks to you classmates! You’re the best!). Just to be clear, I love Math more than you think (specifically Algebra). It’s just I don’t adore Calculus. Obviously I chose Marketing Management as my permanent course. It’s not what I want but I made myself loving the course. In the first semester, I find the course simple, not that easy but tolerated. Surprisingly, I found myself enjoying my career path course. The course made me aim to be one of the top students in our organization and it happened. I contributed a lot to my organization and the story about me and my organization (Junior Marketing Association) continues. My first year went well except one subject in second semester which is Accounting 2 (Partnership and Corporation). I gave my best and my exemplary effort because my purpose when I stepped in second year college is to have an academic scholarship in my school. The scholarship would really help my parents fulfilling my expenses and tuition fee. Unfortunately, I got 84 in Accounting. It’s a suspicious grade for me because when I was in my first semester Accounting 1, I got a perfect grade 95 (1.0). It’s not only the scholarship that my professor took away but also a one-time chance to graduate with flying colors. All of my defenses went down, my hope, my self-esteem and my confident. That is the worst moment I experienced so far but I know that it’s not the end. I stood up and continue my journey as an honor student. Even though I didn’t obtain my purpose, I got it after my first semester in second-year. Fortunately, not just 50% or 75% but a hundred percent and it made my parents proud and happy. I continued what I started up to my third year college and will also continue it up to the last moment of being a student. I will be a graduating student soon and hopefully to graduate this March 2016. It’s not the end of my journey but it will be the start. It will be the beginning of my reality engaging to a real and difficult world. I’m not yet ready but I know that I will be ready and follow my dreams someday. Huge thanks to my college, San Sebastian College – Recoletos de Cavite. I know most of the people outside our city will discriminate my school. But I know that it’s the best school that molded me into who I am today. It teaches me how to be a student and a real corporate woman. It blows me out on the things that are hidden to me. It forms me to be an adjustable person in the working environment. And especially, it manufactures me to be a qualified person in every aspect of opportunities around us. It’s all I to offer my college every detail and every small things that it offers me and helps me to be me. Thank You Baste! You’ll always be the best school not just by the name but mostly by the students engaging in and focusing of what to discover among themselves and become a brighter and better person he/she could ever be.

It's not a bad thing

It isn't okay to be. It isn't enough to be. It wasn't good to be me. These are the things I just realized.

Im done arguing with my heart and mind. I'm over putting myself into someone that I know would not want me. I'm done pleasing people to realize. But at some point, I'm still asking myself why. I'm always the one to help but no one to care. I'm always the second option. Sad fact and I'm in pain. But no one cares. No one, because I know how to hide it. You! You never cared. You never asked me. You never feel me. You never see me. You!! You're not worthy for me.

I know someone else there will. <|3