A 2017 Journey

My life has been a roller coaster ride with you 2017. Fun, new experiences, happiness, love and life lessons... It took me a year to realize so many things this 2017. A splendid year turned into messed up, disaster, wonderful and full of lessons year. I will never forget this year! I know I am. SOBRANG DAMING GOOD AND BAD MEMORIES MO 2017! Tho, you really made me a better person. 

Let's start to tell my story from the month of January. This is the start of my new experiences. A new Renzi entering her new life with new friends and old friends. I got to experience so many things on my own. And then I knew this guy, sobrang bata nya pa. Pero uhaw na uhaw nga sa pag-ibig, so why not. Let's try! Nagustuhan ko naman sya, namiss ko rin yung feeling na may umiintindi. Pero ang bata nya masyado so hindi rin kami nagwork out. Naging nagger, needy and clingy ako that I forgot he has a life too and I have mine. Masyado siguro ako nastuck sa relationship na "nagmumunduhan". One day, he confessed na hindi ko raw sya deserve. I have more to offer pero sya wala. So ending? I let him go, then that's the start of my fucked up 2017 love life.

I never lose hope, I tried entertaining guys. Let's say mid April, nagparamdam na naman sakin yung ka-batch ko back when I was a trainee sa Ajanta. Ever since I feel attracted naman na sa kanya, I don't know pero ang bilis ko maattach sa guy na sweet, gent pero may pagka angas. Siguro influence rin ni DJ? Hahahaha! It was so funny because I remember why he started talking to me again is because I posted a picture on IG or FB, I can't even remember the exact account but I posted a picture of me with a nice face or would I say na medyo maganda naman talaga ako sa picture na yun. So ayun, we talked, chat and all. To the point na he also wanted to meet up again because it's been almost a year since we last saw each other. I remember pa I was going to a job fair nun sa dream company ko and malapit lang sya dun that's why I pushed him too na makipagkita. Honestly, gusto ko rin talaga. Pero he gave me signals na "sasaglit lang ako ha? Pupunta pa kasi akong Manila" I disregarded that signal, go pa rin ako. So to cut this story short we met and yung saglit nya? Tumagal hahaha. Naging mas madalas yung usapan namin pero hindi rin nagtagal. Dumating sa point na niyaya nya ulit ako, I think twice pero he didn't came up. 

Hanggang sa nagcome-up ako sa isang blog post..

To my "A" Experience

Moving on to the continuation of May 2017 experience, I talked to another guy. He's nice and not really gwapo pero masarap naman sya kausap. He's more needy than me kaya medyo natuwa rin ako kasi I know he's interested talking to me. Pero one day naiinis na ako sa mga hirit nya. Masyado syang natutuwa sa mg good-looking friends ko. Until one day sobrang nacucute-an daw sya sakin pero hindi raw ako maganda. So that's one thing na na-off na ako. Hindi ko na rin sya kinausap after that.

Then June 2017 came.. He also came. Eto yung experience na naging pinaka maganda at pinaka mahirap sa kin. Almost all my latest blog post ay tungkol sa kanya. He is really the one who made me stronger. He gave me so much pain, he let me felt all the feelings I must feel when I am inlove. He taught me that love doesn't mean happy endings. It means suffering and sacrificing. He made me realize that I can love more than anything in this world. I can love selflessly. But, he also made me feel all the pain I can feel, he made me feel how stupid I am when I fall in love. He made me think how small I am compared to all other ladies. But the most lesson I learned from him is that I cannot get all what I want. Not because I lived to be outsanding, most cared of, it doesn't mean I'm on the top of everything and can't be touched by anyone. He is my most wonderful yet messed up experience ever happened to me.

I suffered August-November crying and realizing what is really the reason why I met my June guy.

My Dearest Choi

Finally♥

-

Huli Na'ng Lahat

Two-Month Relationship

I never stopped, I still try myself hard finding someone for me. Then, I found my November guy. He came to a bad relationship but 3 years. He is caring, he somehow pursue me. He made me feel that he loves me but I always feel that there's something less. I disregarded that feeling kasi baka nga feeling ko lang. Unlike my June guy, mas nafeel ko sa kanya na he wanted to tell the world that I am his girl. He fall in love so easily so am I. Honestly, before, di ako seryoso pero habang tumatagal gustong gusto ko na sya... pero habang tumatagal, nagbabago na rin sya. Lahat ng sinabi nya, iba na yung lumalabas sa actions. Dinisregard ko pa rin. Hanggang sa dumating yung birthday ko na never ko nafeel na excited ako (first time). He started to ruin my bithday. He broke up with me during my birthday. How bullshit it is diba. After a day, I found out that he's talking to other girls. Ang bigat and masakit pero I don't know why I feel used to it. Nakakatawa lang na nafeel ko talagang sincere sya and he won't cheat because alam nya yung feeling na lokohin, he also knew everything that happened to me. Pero, naloko nya pa rin ako. Well.. so we ended things between us. He blocked me.

So that was my almost summary of 2017 love journey. Hahahah! So many lessons I will carry to be much wiser for 2018! I can't wait for another wonderful experience to face and less problems please.

Hindi naman buong 2017 akong malungkot, nakapunta ako ng iba't ibang place, natuto ako sa lugar, naharap ko yung ibang fears ko, nakita ko kung sino nga ba yung totoong kaibigan na nandyan para sakin despite of my kadramahan. Nakameet ako ng new friends, we targeted our quotas sa work and most of all, I learned so many things.. :)

I don't know where 2018 will take me but I just wanna thank 2017. Lagi kong sinasabi na ang malas ko talaga this year pero narealize ko na ito lang yung year na ginising ako sa reality. 2017 had really been so hard saken pero kailangan nyang gawin yun para matuto and mamulat ako sa real life, real world... 

Thank You! Cheers to my life journey.. Let's see what will happen next!

Two Month Relationship

Here's a wonderful story and experience of mine. I started to talk to a guy via messenger. We're totally strangers. He's from Manila and I'm from Cavite. We don't have any mutual friends that's why it makes the moment more interesting. I get to know more about his life and all. I felt amazed and happy. We talked that night up until morning. My heart started to beat fast like it was the first time to feel a pounding heart.

He started to tell me his stories. He just ended his relationship a couple of days ago. Unfortunately, he's been in a recent bad commitment. I felt sad, angry and all.

To cut the story short, I sided him in all aspects. I believed in him. I don't care about the negativities of the situation. I just felt happy with his company. Until one day, he came to my work place. I felt so nervous and excited at the same time. It's my first time to meet a person whom I didn't know or I just talked to through social media. Yung first time na he's coming to me, omygosh. I felt so kilig. I don't know. Maybe ang lakas lang ng impact nya sakin. He made me feel yung feeling na 'be comfortable, don't feel awkward'. And for me, that's a major turn on ❤

In a very short period of time, i know everyone will judge me na 'sobrang ngayon mo palang nakilala, inlove ka na' I don't really know. Nangyari lang na isang araw, mahal ko na sya. And how blessed I am that he also loved me back. And yun na siguro yung moment na pinaka hinihintay ko. To be loved back by the person  I love. 😇💕 I prayed for it that one day he'll come. I thanked God everyday for giving me the man I am praying for.

But suddenly, my fairytale insights started to change the way i never expected. I felt his inconsistency. Bigla nalang isang araw nagmamakaawa na ako sa attention nya, sa love nya, sa time nya. I started to feel that everything is changing na unti unti. Tho ganon yung nafifeel ko, I closed my eyes. I still love him with all my heart. I centered my life to him. He is my priority, I must consider his feelings because I don't want to lose him. I gave him everything he needed just to make him feel that he's complete. Sometimes kasi, feeling nya sobrang sirang sira na sya, then I am complete. I can share it to him.

He is my man, he is my boyfriend, he is my partner, he's my king, he's the love songs I want to write, he's my inspiration, he's my one of a kind, he's my love, he's my everything but maybe I'm not his 'mine'. 💔 Maybe I'm one of his "my someone's trial" Maybe I'm just his girl to relieve the pain he's been through.

There comes the point that I don't care to myself. Wala na akong pakialam kung magmukha akong katawa tawa o magmukha na kong tanga para sa kanya. Basta for me, AYOKO LANG SYA MAWALA SAKIN! Kasi i love him so much.

Pero the story doesn't end the way I wanted it to last. He saw girls the way I never expect him to be. Sabi nya sakin, wala na syang ibang titignan. Sabi nya sakin he's not into girls like that dahil that's something gross to think daw. But hindi ganon yung nangyari. 😢

Up until now, I don't know why he caused me pain so much. Yung akala kong hindi ako kayang saktan, sya pa yung magpapafeel sakin ng sobrang sakit. Yes I know, I overthink, I nag, I felt paranoid. And that's all because of my gut feeling that he's cheating on me. 💔

I am a good investigator that I know what he did. Di nta lang alam pero alam ko.

Pero ngayon, wala nang galit. Sa kabila ng lahat, I already forgave him. We started to talk again. Iniisip ko nalang yung good memories namin together. Yung video calls, calls, selfies namin together. Those were the happy moments. The "kilig ones".

Atleast, after all these, I felt how to be treated as a girlfriend. I tried to use my effort to the person I really love. I miss those moments na masaya lang. When everything was true pa. No pagpapanggap, no lies. Just me and you. 😢

Pero iba na ngayon, maybe di lang talaga para satin yung oras na 'to. I don't know what the future will be. I know you're still talking to soooo many girls pa din. Idk if u're pursuing them pero ang sad lang kasi bakit ako di ko kayang makipag date, makipag mingle agad sa guys? Hmm.

Basta keep in mind that yung lahat ng love na binigay ko, totoo yun. Pure love. Hindi ko inisip na mapalagay ka sa mali kaya nagagalit ako kapag alam kong may ginagawa kang hindi tama. After all the wrongdoings, I still believe in everything about you. May potential ka. You're smart, madiskarte, magaling. You possessed all the traits na employer want to. Kailangan lang may magopen na opportunity.

Until now, kahit wala na tayo, I still believe in you. I still care. If you need a true friend, I am here. I hope someday you'll open your mind and heart to all my words I am telling you since day 1. Goodluck

Chaos

Minsan iniisip ko, ganito ba talaga? Ako nalang yung laging nasasaktan. Ako nalang lagi yung nagsasuffer?
Ginagawa ko naman lahat.. Pinapakita ko naman na worth it ako. Pero bakit parang laging natetake for granted? Bat ganito.
Bat sila ang bilis nilang makahanap? Bakit ang bilis naman nila makalimot? Bat laging may kapalit na? Bakit ako lagi nalang buo yung binibigay ko pero kahit konting effort na binibigay ko di ko maranasan na gawin naman sakin?
Ang unfair lang. Deserve ko ba talaga 'to? :(

Unfair

Ang unfair naman.

Why do I still love you when you never did in the first place?
Why do I still care when you don't even said sorry for all the bullshits you did.
Why do I still want us to be together when you're enjoying exploring other woman?
Why do I still love you despite of all shits you did?
Why do I still can't get you out of my head?
Why do I still longing for your voice, your hugs, You!

Life is so unfair, I just invested too much feelings and love, and now I am here left alone and trying to forget all the pain that put me through.

I miss you...

Dumadating nalang ako sa puntong bwisit na bwisit pa din ako sa mga nangyari.
Tinatanong ko pa din sarili ko na, bakit ganon? Bat ko nga ba pinasok 'to? Hahahaha!
Ang dami ko nang nalaman. Ang dami dami na. And siguro sapat na yun para tigilan ko na kasi masyado ko nang napatunayan sa sarili kong hindi ko deserve yung show na binuo nya. Show that uplifts himself.
Pero hanggang ngayon gusto ko pa ring malaman kung minahal mo ba ko talaga? Nagcare ka ba talaga? O sadyang sinama mo lang ako sa listahan ng mga nilaro mo? Sakit naman. Di ba ko maganda for you? Di ba talaga ko enough kaya ka naghanap ng iba? Di ba ko pangseryosohan for you? Playtime lang ba talaga ko sayo?
Grabe lang kasi, ako, simula umpisa. Seryoso na agad yung naisip ko. Palabas lang pala lahat :(
Masagot mo lang lahat yan ng honest, okay nako. Kahit sabihin ml pang simula palang talaga, di naman seryosohan hanap mo. kahit masakit pa, basta totoo :( Kakayanin kong tanggapin.
Hanggang ngayon miss pa din kita. Gusto pa din kita. Gusto kitang kamustahin..
Gusto kitang ipaglaban, gusto kitang kausapin at sabihing let's be okay, let's be together again. Let's make things work baby.. Pero wala naman na tayong magagawa.
Kasi pakiramdam ko, wala naman talaga na umpisa pa lang.
May chance kayang mabasa mo 'to choi? Pag nabasa mo 'to, sana masagot mo yung mga tanong ko. Wag ka maghesitate na imessage ako, kasi ikaw lang naman yung hinihintay ko :(
Gaga ko! Hahahaha Alam ko na ngang gago, gusto ko pa din. Miss ko pa din. walangya lang renzi Hahaha.

How to get rid of a person who became so precious to me? How to forget? How to unlove you? How to be fine? How to accept? How to realize? How to wake up? How? :( I'm still in pain.

Sobrang lakas ng impact sakin ng mga pangyayaring to. Hindi ko alam kung kaya ko pang magmahal ulit at magtiwala. Ang hirap.

Teachings

Appreciation Post:

Thank you Lord for all the lessons I gained from bad and good experience.

You taught me the feeling of falling in love so madly.

You taught me how is the feeling of being loved by someone you loved the most.

You made me realize how capable I am to express the love I can offer.

You made me realize that love really means sacrificing everything just to make sure that your loved one is happy.

You made me realize that I am not the only good girl ever existed.

You taught me how it feels when you're really in pain.

You taught me patience.

You taught me from the first place that I should listen to you.

You taught me that I should balance my heart and my mind. Alwayd believe in your instincts because it's God's way of talking to you.

You made me realize that there are soooo many people who loves me and appreciate me that I shouldn't beg for one person's love.

You made me realize that even you did everything, you gave everything.. If he's not into you, he'll cheat, he'll lie.

You made me realize that I shouldn't trust people so easily.

You made me realize that I must not gave in so essily because I am worth a thousand efforts and feelings.

You made me realize what real love is and what love can do for all of the people.

You taught me that love offers extreme emotions. Extreme happiness and extreme sadness.

You made me realize that I should know how to wait for my turn. Don't rush things.

You taught me how to be strong.

You made me realize that I shouldn't be underdog.

You taught me to stand up when everything fails.

You whispered to me that I must continue my life.

You taught me to believe in myself.

You taught me everything that I should learn.

And most above all, you taught me how to forgive.


Maybe that's the reason why I met people. Why I met my fairytale and nightmare in one.
Atleast now, I learned how I can love someone. That I can do anything for love but atleast know my limits.

Thanks for everything, Lord! You are really the best and you never failed me. All praises! I love you! ❤

Huli na'ng Lahat

Tunay at masayang pag-ibig,
bakit 'tila nawalang silbi.
Iisa tayo ngunit pilit.
Damdamin ko'y hindi mawari.

Wala 'kong pinagsisisihan.
Lahat nang 'to'y katotohanan.
Ikaw pa rin aking kailangan,
Ikaw pa rin ang sagot sa pagtahan.

Inintindi ang sinabi,
pakiramdam mo nama'y hindi.
Ngunit ika'y nagkakamali.
Alam ko, kailangang harapin.

Ikaw pa rin naman, sa puso ko.
Walang iba, di kayang maglaro.
Kahit alam kong ika'y may iba nang gusto.
Di man aminin, ngunit masakit 'to.

Kahit pano ika'y nagsawa,
Sabihin mo mang hinding hindi,
Ngunit ito'y aking nadama.
Tila ika'y palayo na ng unti-unti.

Binigay ang lahat sa'yo.
Maramdaman mo lang na ika'y buo.
Pero bakit parang may naglalaho.
Pag-ibig mong sakin lang noon.

Siguro nga ito'y hindi para satin.
Tama man ngunit maling pilitin.
Kahit ipaglaban, wala namang didinggin,
Pag-ibig na nasayang natin.

Sana mawala na sa isip,
Na ako'y hindi naging totoo.
Alam kong alam mo ang kalakip
Ng damdamin kong puro puso.

Darating ang panahon,
Ako'y hindi na maalala,
ng puso mong pilit kinahon.
Isang hiling, sana'y natulungan kitang lumigaya.

Hanggang ngayon di alam,
saan pupunta ang pusong walang lugar.
Puro nalang pag-aasam,
sa susunod na kabanata'y may lugar.

Ito na siguro ang huli.
Ayaw mang aminin pero ito na.
Sana ika'y kaya nyang mahalin,
Tulad ng pag-ibig kong tinatapos na.

Masakit mang isipin ngunit wala na akong magagawa. 😭💔

Tagalog, para mas ramdam na ramdam ko. 😢

Renzi Arriola
August 23, 2017 7:24PM

FACT. CHECK!

I agree, sayang nga talaga si Caleb bilang jowa mo. If only matino sya. Or okay lang naman kung di sya matino. Pero nalabas talaga na may halaga ka lang kasi may benefits.

Narealize ko, di ka nga siguro balak seryosohin nyan. Kasi kaya di ka nyan niligawan kasi di nya gusto ng commitment. Gusto nya lang ng kalandian after breakup. Normal sa mga lalaki yun e. Yung kalandian after masaktan. Like see, ngayon diba? Proud to say sya na ano ka ba sa kanya, di ka naman niligawan. Di ka naman girlfriend. La namang kayo. Successful sya dun kasi parang right decision na di ka nya niligawan.

Siguro sa 2 months na meron kayo, akala mo love yung nakikita mo. Pero more of kaya sya nageeffort kasi masaya sya. Nawawala yung mga stress nya sa buhay habang kausap o kasama ka.

Kaya nahurt sya nung nang-iwan ka. Kasi panglandian ka nga lang diba? So expectation nya e sya ang magliligwak sayo. Pero sorry, naunahan mo sya.
-
Kaya please lang, wag tayong papagago sa gago. Kung alam mo nang may mali, LEAVE. Wag mo na isugar coat! Tama na. Kasi dun lang mageend up. Dun lang din mapupunta. You don't deserve a bullshit!

Words of Wisdom

These are the words that I, or we must put in our minds.

Kaya mo yan!! Tama ka naman e baka nagmeet kayo for a purpose na matutunan nyang nakakapagod syang mahalin at sinayang nya yung love na inooffer mo sa kanya.
Also sayo, baka para malaman mo na ay ganun ka pala kaintense magmahal. Ngayon alam mo na san mo dapat bigyan ng limit.

For sure this time, mas nakilala mo na sarili mo pagdating sa love.

Isipin mo nalang na at least naexperience mo pano mahalin at ituring na girlfriend. Syempre diba tagal mo na ding naging single.

Syempre before may pagkaHopeless Romantic ka. Ngayon alam mo ng may mga gago talagang ready ka gaguhin kahit sobrang bait mo na sa kanila.

Thank you Treesha, you're always the best. I'm so blessed to have you as my friend talaga :)

Finally

From time to time I'm always searching.
A story that I perfectly dream.
That moment that I will start writing
All those mem'ries I want to redeem.

I waited years, months and days to love
Continued my life imperfectly,
Closed my eyes to the people in love
But still, I haven't found it freely.

I almost gave up, waited for luck,
that someone will just come my way, soon.
But universe wants me to be stuck.
Funny how I found myself to doomed.

I felt bored and then you just happened,
And that was the best bored experience.
My life started to change the way I never expected,
turned out meaningful glances and gestures.

I know this time I am falling in love.
After so many searches, it's you,
the one that I am waiting to come.
I wish that this will be my last search.

I admit that it happened too fast,
but I know it happened perfectly.
We're totally different with class
Own ways, unusual talks but wholly.

I know someday, I'll let the world see.
How happy I am to be with you.
Can't wait to tell them you're my baby
And I hope you feel the same way, too.

I love you, Jeiel ♥

RENZI ARRIOLA
August 8, 2017 / 3:35PM

To my dearest Choi ❤

Old routines, me myself and I. Standing on my own with nothing to expect something new in my every days. And then the story started to change when I got to know you. You made me realize that fairytale love stories do exist but with imperfect twist. I'm so blessed and thankful that you came into my life. I almost believe to myself that there will be no serious man alive and then you came, unexpectedly. You opened my eyes that you are there, the one I'm longing. The one I'm dreaming. The ONE that I know will never come. You made me believe that the standards I'm carrying is all woth it. Thank you for bringing more colors to my life. It will be the start of everything. All the pain, all the heartaches, all the lessons I learned from love is all worth it. Because now, NOW is the time that you'll shower me the love I think all people deserve. You were the first person who made me cry because of joy. 😍 I really prayed for this, and He gave me you! Thank you so much! I love you! ❤ Please don't get tired of me. 😊

June 14, 2017

Shitty Experience

For all the times I spent without you
were the times it was cold and good
Stars wont shine but the sun comes up
No pressures and no more plop.

We truly separated ways,
just facebook where you are vain.
I never felt hate, only pain
But t'was before, no to claim.

Posted a portrait of myself
No intentions, just to share
And then you suddenly pops up,
All I felt was my heart out of shelf.

I dont know why I am happy
I cant explain these heartstrings
Yes, you were there and I am here
And we never chose to be near.

I don't know why I am wearing this,
I don't know why I am waiting,
I don't know why I am standing here.
I really don't know, all I know is just you will never come and you never take your last words seriously.

After my not so surprising everyday routine,
I felt alive again, I felt uniquely happy.
It's all because of you.
Because you made me believe that you are true.

But you are not. Maybe because it's me, you will never take me seriously. I'm asking myself why. Why I am feeling this way? Do I really deserve this? I never treated you like shit. I never play with your feelings like you always did to me. I don't know why I always close my eyes and opens my heart to you. You are my every wrong that I am willing to take all over again without correcting any of it. I felt you dumped me. I felt unimportant. I felt that i am JUST your "past time" when things get worse. When you don't have any to lean on to or to cling. I hate this feeling. The feeling of taken for granted. You know why? Because I never did anything to feel this way in return.

I wrote this because I wanted to free my feelings. And if ever you read this, thanks for making me feel like a trash. Bull shit! Here's to more of your games! 🖕

This will be the last time I will open my heart to you. I don't have time for your shits. Thank you for this lesson, though. See you around my player man.

Hey!

Unexpected Congratulations! 🎉👏

I really can't contain my happiness. Di pa masyadong nagsisink-in saken lahat. Sobrang nabigla ako. Hahaha! I actually felt really surprise pero yung feeling na hindi ko alam ano irereact ko sa sobrang tuwa pero nakakagigil kasi nagoodtime ako. Haha. Mixed emotions pero mas umangat yung feeling na super nakakaproud!

I actually know that April 7 is the Graduation day and never ko nang minessage yyng bestfriend ko coz I know that it would make his feels heavier. So talagang di ko na inopen-up. Last April 6, he sent me a message saying this...

So after that message, i let him nalang.Kahit di sya magreply, it's fine. Then a while ago, Exactly April 7 in the afternoon... I will let our convos tell the whole story of this blog post.

Woaaaah! So ayun!! Sobrang nagulat ako kasi nakatoga. May nakalagay na "GRADUATE" sa gilid! Sobrang di ko alam irereact ko. Kasi iniisip ko baka joke lang. Pero he sent me more proofs! Woaaah. All hardwork paid off! Sobrang saya ko. As in! Yung feeling na mas masaya pa ko nung nalaman kong graduate na sya compare nung ako ang gumraduate Hahahahahah Super proud bestfriend!! Super! Maybe kaya ganito kasi ang dami rin namin pinagdaanan bago makarating sa road na to. Road to Diploma, Road to GRADUATION. This was all our dreams. This is what we aim. And Look, we made it! WE FINALLY MADE IT! hindi nga lang sabay, but.. What matters most is we wore that same black toga and graduation cap! Waaaah! I AM SO PROUD OF YOY BEST. alan kong alam mo. Hahaha Hindi mo man mabasa but I know you knew it! Thanks be to God! Thanks for your guidance. Thank you so much! Kudos Baste! Hoping to see you soonest wearing those big smiles from our success!