It was all me

Everything is happy at first but when it is at second, it was all a disaster.
This is a sad story of my life. Beware of it.
I met a wonderful guy who made me happy and feel alive again. No expectations, no assumptions. Just the "kilig" and happiness. We used to talk for hours. We used to chat for hours. We used to miss each other a lot. We used to. "USED TO". Until it was almost over. Almost done. Almost nothing. Or should I say none at all.
People always make ways to drift away my happiness. There was always a villain in a scene. It would be impossible for me to stop those hindrances. Well, I USED TO FEEL THAT WAY. "ALWAYS". Maybe i will never be someone's first this time. I'm always the one who makes them feel the life in a lighter way. But how 'bout me? Who can help me carry those heavy loads I get whenever I made a person feel lighter? Who would help me stand up whenever I fall off the ground? All these time, it was all me helping myself. I am the only one. Sad but true. :)

A piece of advice fellas: If your friend likes someone, don't try to grab the opportunity to have it coz sometimes, you'll never know that it is the only hope they're holding on.

Parting Attachment

Eyes kept close for a time,   
   moments changed just like a crime;
Clueless of the outcome,   
   falling tears to mount.
What's happened to our promise?   
   do I need to please?
Many questions in my head,  
   imaginations and happiness we're dead.
Where are you?   
   does emotion we gained, ended too?
I don't know what to act,   
   maybe I must start to crack;
Goodbye is what I never meant
   but in the end, it's you who we're bent.

-Renzi Arriola (07-05-15)

Crazy Thoughts.

"We could happen." Those words that played in my mind right now. I remember the feelings and what should it be if I never gave up to it.

What ifs. What if I told him I like him?
What if? What if?

I remember everything. Yung lahat ng sacrifices ko.
Nawala man yung feelings ko, bat bigla ulit bumalik.
There was a small lightning that flows in my heart. Feeling ko bumalik lahat ng sakit.
Feeling ko, hindi nawala yung feelings ko. Nabawasan lang.
Nuh. I don't know either.

I can't understand my stupid feelings for him.
Why? What should I do?

As I said to him. "You'll always be my Daniel Padilla" ♥

Thanks Tumblr

You know I feel like crying and I don't know why. I don't know if it is because I'm into someone again or maybe because I know that it would be worst again. I will be the one in love yet doesn't get a love in return. :(
Minsan iniisip ko, bakit ako nalang yung laging nagmamahal? Ako nalang lagi yung tanga? Lagi nalang ako nawa-Onesided love. Tapos minsan naiisip ko i'm in the situation na "Almost is never enough" WE ARE SO CLOSE OF BEING INLOVE. But almost is never enough.
Pero naiisip ko parang mutual. Pero ayoko talagang isipin HAHAHA. ayoko na maHopia this time. ayoko na. Napapagod na ko. Enjoyin ko nalang den siguro. Pero sana naman no, walang masayang :(
I always asked myself, what's wrong with me? Am I that really ugly kaya wala talagang tumitingin sakin? Tapos iniisip ko, okay naman ako.. Maalaga, mabait, maintindihin. Lahat kaya kong intindihin lalo na kung ikasisiya nya. Pero wala parin. Nakakaintimidate ba ang babaeng nageexcellsa academics? parang feeling ko kasi isang factor rin yun.

Pero ako, pag nagkaboyfriend ako. Di ako maghihgpit. Kung gusto nya sumama sa tropa nya, okay lang sige. Basta he must tell me kung saan, sino sino and iupdate man lang nya ko pero hinding hindi ko sya pagbabawalan ng husto pero syempre lahat may limitation yun. Hindi ko hahayaan na umikot lang yung mundo namin sa isa't isa kasi hindi lang naman kami yung tao sa mundo. And if ever, I will make him proud. gagalingan ko pa sa lahat para lagi syang naaamaze sakin. I will help him kung ano man kailangan nya at ipupush ko sya sa tama. Kahit hindi tama yung kinagisnan nya, pipilitin ko syang pumuta into the right path. Ganon kase ako, ano pa't naging girlfriend ako kung ikukunsinte ko yung mga maling ginagwa nya. Hindi ako magagalit kung magyosi or maginom man sya kasi nature na naman yun ng lalaki. Wag lang gagawa ng kalokohan at wag lang sobra. Sasakyan ko mga trip nya para masaya kami diba. Never ko gagawing awkward at dull moment ang mga times na magkasama kame. Lahat gagawin ko para lang maging masaya sya. Gagawin ko lahat para di sya maghanap ng iba. Walang problema sakin kung tumingin sya sa sexy at maganda. Lalake yan eh. Pero hanggang tingin lang kase gusto ko AKO at AKO LANG ang princess nya :) At higit sa lahat mamahalin ko sya ng sobra sobra sobra. PERO i will not surrender my pure everything. I want him to understand that because it must be given after the marriage. Right? ;)

This is the song that I relate the most in my situation as of now,

MATCHMAKER by Aj Rafael

I don't wanna play cupid again
Don't wanna be just a friend
I know it sounds selfish but it's just how I feel
Don't want to be called a matchmaker
Introduced then he takes her
I'm just being honest and I'm keeping it real
Don't wanna know, say it ain't so
Cause I loved him first, but that's okay
Cause at the end of the day

I gotta learn to be just me
I gotta learn to smile and be happy
I gotta know when it's meant to be
And when it's not
I gotta learn to let you go
You know you can't choose who you fall for
I gotta know if it's meant to be and I know now,
It's not for you and me

So maybe it's not too bad
Seeing him with a new girl
I just want him to live his life the way that he feels
Maybe it's okay I played cupid
Otherwise I'd be stupid
To keep him from the ones that he was destined to meet
Don't let me see, gotta let it be
You know that it still hurts,
But that's okay,
Cause at the end of the day

I gotta learn to be just me
I gotta learn to smile and be happy
I gotta know when it's meant to be
And when it's not
I gotta learn to let you go
You know you can't choose who you fall for
I gotta know if it's meant to be and I know now,
It's not for you and me

Now I wanna know, how they're doing
I don't care if I loved him first
Cause I'm okay,
And at the end of the day

I gotta learn to be just me
I gotta learn to smile and be happy
I gotta know when it's meant to be
And when it's not
I gotta learn to let you go
You know you can't choose who you fall for
I gotta know when it's meant to be and I know now,
It's not for you and me
Yeah

Everybody, eh

I'm a matchmaker, baby yeah
Eh, oh yeah yeah
C'mon now
Lemme hear you, ba ra ba ra

Stop the Feelings

What am I feeling? I feel so afraid to continue what I am feeling. Di ko alam kung kaya ko ba 'to icontinue.

These past few days, I have this doubts, hesitations and questions about what is the real score of my heartstrings. It just came. Suddenly, I started to feel affected, jealous, demanding. I don't know why.

Before, we've been through this everyday agenda. We do it for so long and it just happened that I feel something weird. I started to feel some butterflies inside my stomach and I can't help it. I don't want and I don't want. You know why? Because I can't lose him. I won't.

Everyday I am praying that my babee would also fall inlove with me, he's the one telling me to STOP DAYDREAMING OF WHAT YOU OBVIOUSLY KNOW WILL NOT HAPPEN. From every moment I wish that Babee must do this to me, must appreciate me. He's the one fulfilling it. He's the one who never bothered to be with me, never stop listening to my pointless dramas. He make some time for me, he treats me. Maybe he's just my REAL bestfriend. My true bestfriend whom I should put my time and efforts first. And I am thankful that he's there. <3 p="">
But lately, I feel so affected. I hate it. Pag pinagpatuloy ko 'to. Hohopia nanaman ako. Kaya sana di na matuloy kasi alam ko naman ako nanaman ang mahuhulog wala namang sasambot. Lol.