Unjust Feelings

I thought my feelings we're all done,

until I felt something inside.

Shouting your name, saying it's gone

but I'm wrong 'coz it's just in mind.

Trying to think why it happened?

and I'm clueless of the answers.

My heart helped me to awaken,

all my feelings to shower.

This is me, still looking at you.

The same person that I used to.

I'm searching and doesn't find clue,

but I always wish it's not due.

And then, I realized the truth.

Feelings are not gone, just sleeping,

afraid to come back but it suits.

Please let me, not end up crying.

Latest poem so far :) 

By Renzi Arriola. (10.26.15)

It was all me

Everything is happy at first but when it is at second, it was all a disaster.
This is a sad story of my life. Beware of it.
I met a wonderful guy who made me happy and feel alive again. No expectations, no assumptions. Just the "kilig" and happiness. We used to talk for hours. We used to chat for hours. We used to miss each other a lot. We used to. "USED TO". Until it was almost over. Almost done. Almost nothing. Or should I say none at all.
People always make ways to drift away my happiness. There was always a villain in a scene. It would be impossible for me to stop those hindrances. Well, I USED TO FEEL THAT WAY. "ALWAYS". Maybe i will never be someone's first this time. I'm always the one who makes them feel the life in a lighter way. But how 'bout me? Who can help me carry those heavy loads I get whenever I made a person feel lighter? Who would help me stand up whenever I fall off the ground? All these time, it was all me helping myself. I am the only one. Sad but true. :)

A piece of advice fellas: If your friend likes someone, don't try to grab the opportunity to have it coz sometimes, you'll never know that it is the only hope they're holding on.

Definitely Invisible

Rainbows came by behind the rain.
The sun comes up after the pain.
It was all calm, unlocking chain.
Flowers seems to bloom, beautiful again.

Shattered memories were all gone,
only bright colors start to shine.
All that I foresee was the fun,
not knowing that it can be crime.

I let you go because it's right.
Never mine, but all yours to fight.
I'm the only one playing kite
'cause you never see, way up high.

All the sacrifices went back.
It seems that, in cards I'm just your Jack.
Questions in mind that were unjust.
Why does you notice them, so fast?

It would be better if you said you don't have interest. It would be much better if you tell me, "don't worry and never bother because it's nothing." But all you said means, you're getting there. You're slaying. I don't have any right but the hardest part was you know what I've been through all these time. You know my story. I told you my story. The pain just came back. The sacrifices slapped me again. The memories are remembered. I don't know how to act because I don't want to be selfish. But, it hurts when you can't just tell me. You don't have the guts. It was all mine since everything changed. I let go because it's the right thing to do. I don't want to be stupid anymore. But even though I changed, there was still a part of me carrying those pieces in the past. It's not easy to throw away those memories I had. Those memories that made me happy and fulfilled. Those memories that made me know myself more. Those memories who hurt me. And most of all, those memories that made me lift up, love again and focus on myself. Those memories that made me realize my worth. It's not easy. I told you, it's not easy. If you were going to kidnap and grab the opportunity, why not. But I will tell you, I will be uncomfortable. I can gradually recover but I don't know if I'm going to be okay with that. I will accept but I may not bless.

Maybe some people will understand me, and maybe others not. It makes me sad knowing that it doesn't notice me. All the efforts, all the sacrifices were all waste. It will just prove me, face to face that it really doesn't belong to me.

Someday, I can get out of the moment. I can live without you slaying my old happiness.

"I'm just a butterfly flying with no reason and finding my desired match that can only use me and leave me after"

"I'm just an invisible angel, doing all the efforts just for you to be in good hands but cannot notice and be acknowledge." 

Yes! I'm stuck and I'm trapped.

Parting Attachment

Eyes kept close for a time,   
   moments changed just like a crime;
Clueless of the outcome,   
   falling tears to mount.
What's happened to our promise?   
   do I need to please?
Many questions in my head,  
   imaginations and happiness we're dead.
Where are you?   
   does emotion we gained, ended too?
I don't know what to act,   
   maybe I must start to crack;
Goodbye is what I never meant
   but in the end, it's you who we're bent.

-Renzi Arriola (07-05-15)

Crazy Thoughts.

"We could happen." Those words that played in my mind right now. I remember the feelings and what should it be if I never gave up to it.

What ifs. What if I told him I like him?
What if? What if?

I remember everything. Yung lahat ng sacrifices ko.
Nawala man yung feelings ko, bat bigla ulit bumalik.
There was a small lightning that flows in my heart. Feeling ko bumalik lahat ng sakit.
Feeling ko, hindi nawala yung feelings ko. Nabawasan lang.
Nuh. I don't know either.

I can't understand my stupid feelings for him.
Why? What should I do?

As I said to him. "You'll always be my Daniel Padilla" ♥

Thanks Tumblr

You know I feel like crying and I don't know why. I don't know if it is because I'm into someone again or maybe because I know that it would be worst again. I will be the one in love yet doesn't get a love in return. :(
Minsan iniisip ko, bakit ako nalang yung laging nagmamahal? Ako nalang lagi yung tanga? Lagi nalang ako nawa-Onesided love. Tapos minsan naiisip ko i'm in the situation na "Almost is never enough" WE ARE SO CLOSE OF BEING INLOVE. But almost is never enough.
Pero naiisip ko parang mutual. Pero ayoko talagang isipin HAHAHA. ayoko na maHopia this time. ayoko na. Napapagod na ko. Enjoyin ko nalang den siguro. Pero sana naman no, walang masayang :(
I always asked myself, what's wrong with me? Am I that really ugly kaya wala talagang tumitingin sakin? Tapos iniisip ko, okay naman ako.. Maalaga, mabait, maintindihin. Lahat kaya kong intindihin lalo na kung ikasisiya nya. Pero wala parin. Nakakaintimidate ba ang babaeng nageexcellsa academics? parang feeling ko kasi isang factor rin yun.

Pero ako, pag nagkaboyfriend ako. Di ako maghihgpit. Kung gusto nya sumama sa tropa nya, okay lang sige. Basta he must tell me kung saan, sino sino and iupdate man lang nya ko pero hinding hindi ko sya pagbabawalan ng husto pero syempre lahat may limitation yun. Hindi ko hahayaan na umikot lang yung mundo namin sa isa't isa kasi hindi lang naman kami yung tao sa mundo. And if ever, I will make him proud. gagalingan ko pa sa lahat para lagi syang naaamaze sakin. I will help him kung ano man kailangan nya at ipupush ko sya sa tama. Kahit hindi tama yung kinagisnan nya, pipilitin ko syang pumuta into the right path. Ganon kase ako, ano pa't naging girlfriend ako kung ikukunsinte ko yung mga maling ginagwa nya. Hindi ako magagalit kung magyosi or maginom man sya kasi nature na naman yun ng lalaki. Wag lang gagawa ng kalokohan at wag lang sobra. Sasakyan ko mga trip nya para masaya kami diba. Never ko gagawing awkward at dull moment ang mga times na magkasama kame. Lahat gagawin ko para lang maging masaya sya. Gagawin ko lahat para di sya maghanap ng iba. Walang problema sakin kung tumingin sya sa sexy at maganda. Lalake yan eh. Pero hanggang tingin lang kase gusto ko AKO at AKO LANG ang princess nya :) At higit sa lahat mamahalin ko sya ng sobra sobra sobra. PERO i will not surrender my pure everything. I want him to understand that because it must be given after the marriage. Right? ;)

This is the song that I relate the most in my situation as of now,

MATCHMAKER by Aj Rafael

I don't wanna play cupid again
Don't wanna be just a friend
I know it sounds selfish but it's just how I feel
Don't want to be called a matchmaker
Introduced then he takes her
I'm just being honest and I'm keeping it real
Don't wanna know, say it ain't so
Cause I loved him first, but that's okay
Cause at the end of the day

I gotta learn to be just me
I gotta learn to smile and be happy
I gotta know when it's meant to be
And when it's not
I gotta learn to let you go
You know you can't choose who you fall for
I gotta know if it's meant to be and I know now,
It's not for you and me

So maybe it's not too bad
Seeing him with a new girl
I just want him to live his life the way that he feels
Maybe it's okay I played cupid
Otherwise I'd be stupid
To keep him from the ones that he was destined to meet
Don't let me see, gotta let it be
You know that it still hurts,
But that's okay,
Cause at the end of the day

I gotta learn to be just me
I gotta learn to smile and be happy
I gotta know when it's meant to be
And when it's not
I gotta learn to let you go
You know you can't choose who you fall for
I gotta know if it's meant to be and I know now,
It's not for you and me

Now I wanna know, how they're doing
I don't care if I loved him first
Cause I'm okay,
And at the end of the day

I gotta learn to be just me
I gotta learn to smile and be happy
I gotta know when it's meant to be
And when it's not
I gotta learn to let you go
You know you can't choose who you fall for
I gotta know when it's meant to be and I know now,
It's not for you and me
Yeah

Everybody, eh

I'm a matchmaker, baby yeah
Eh, oh yeah yeah
C'mon now
Lemme hear you, ba ra ba ra

Move on

"One day, your name won't make me smile anymore"

Yes! Someday. Ang sarap mainlove perp ang hirap den. Lalo na pag one sided love. Yung hindi mutual. Pero ewan ko ba. Kahit na anong di mutual. Kahit na anong one sided love. Kahit na anong sabihin ng ibang tao. Puso at puso mo pa rin ang nasusunod. Kahit na ang dami mo nang nabasa at narinig na kwento. Tuloy ka pa din. Kahit na alam mo kung ano lang ang kahihinatnan, yung masasaktan ka lang ng paulit ulit. Pero tuloy ka pa rin.

It's hard to fell inlove especially to the person whom you're very close with. Yung tipong ayun na! Naramdaman mo nalang at dun pa sa taong sobrang malapit sayo at alam mo naman na di na maglelevel up pa. Ang sakit no? Naranasan ko na yan. Sobrang sakit lang ang dinulot sakin. Pero eto parin ako. Alive! At kinakaya pa naman :)

I'm the kind of person who never gives up so easily. Kapag alam kong kaya ko pang ihandle. Hindi ako susuko. Hinding hindi. Pero dumating na rin ako sa point na natauhan na ako. Yung tipong, I give up because I don't want to hurt myself all over again and trying to heal every wound. And after I cure the damage, all the reasons that make me smile will be the same person that will let the wound come back again. Yung bang cycle na. Paulit ulit. Same old stories nalang.

I can say that I'm in the stage na medyo okay na. Yung tanggap ko na lahat na hanggang dito nalang. Wala nang iba pa. Pero minsan di ko pa rin maiwasan hindi masaktan kasi siguro hindi ganoon kadali dahil araw araw kami nagkakasama. Yet, Im happy kasi di na ako naiilang sa kanya. I care for him pero hindi na tulad ng dati na sobra. Di ko na sya ganon namimiss. Ang sarap sa feeling dba? Feeling ko recovered nako. Pero hindi pa pala. Kasi hindi madaling maalis yung feelings ko sakanya. He just confess his feelings to me a while ago to another girl. Hmm. Lahat na ng girls nagistuhan nya, pero ako. Hindi nya ko makita kita. Ehh ako naman 'tong nasa harap nya.

Aaminin ko, nasaktan nanaman ako. Di naman kasi ganun kadaling maiwasan lang lahat diba? Kasi ang dami kong tanong sa kanya na hindi ko matanong tanong. Bat ba kasi sa iba pa? Ayaw mo ba talaga sakin? Bat ba hindi mo ko makita kita? May mali ba sakin? Kulang pa ba lahat ng ginagawa ko sayo?

Actually, ilan lang 'yan sa mga katanungan ko. At alam kong hanggang tanong nalang 'yan na hindi na masasagot. Kasi I admit, I don't have the courage to tell him how I feel and how to start open the topic. And I do believe that it's better left unspoken. :(

Now I realize na, lahat tayong nagmamahal ng totoo at nasaktan. Kayang kaya natin magmove on. Basta gugustuhin natin at tatanggapin natin sa ating mga sarili na its time. It's a choice to move on. May sarili kang buhay. Pero I'll tell you this for a millionth time na maririnig mo 'to. Hindi talaga madali. Walang stage na madali sa pagmomoveon. Kasi naman diba. May mabeblame ka ba. Admit it, ang hirap talagang tanggalin sa sistema mo ang nakasanayan na. Yung how you stalk, how you smile with him yung ganon. Ang hirap. Kaya ako eto. Unstable parin yung pagmomoveon ko. Pero Im taking it step by step. Kasi from the start alam ko kailangan ko 'to. Kailangan kong magmove on. Kasi alam ko sa sarili ko na our relationship would not take the next level. Kaya ako sa sarili ko alam ko kailangan ko to. Kaya ko ginagawa.

Kayo? Alamin nyo muna kung kailangan nyo. Kung gusto nyo lang. Kasi mahirap gumawa ng move hangga't di mo alam yung paparoonan mo. Kailangan lahat may purpose. Hindi ka gumagawa ng isang bagay para sa wala.

Tangang Pag-ibig

Have you experience na mainlove? Well, halos lahat naman sa 'tin from teenagers to adults naranasan ng magmahal. As in romantic love.

Eh naranasan mo na bang maghintay? Yung tipong naghihintay sa wala. Pero kahit alam mong wala rin namang mapapala or mararating, naghihintay ka parin. Kasi umaasa ka at naghihintay na balang araw makikita ka rin nya, mapapansin at nagbabakasakaling mamahalin din. The way you love him or her. Ang sakit magmahal no? Kailangan mong magpakatanga lalo na kung ikaw lang ang nagmamahal at sya? Kaibigan ka lang o kaya acquiantance. Pero ikaw 'tong si shunga, engot na minamahal mo parin sya. Wala eh, ganon siguro talaga pag nagmahal ka ng sobra sobra.

Yung tipong sinasabi mo sa sarili mo na "tama na. Tama na. Ang tanga mo na! Wala ka mapapala dyan. Matututo ka lang maging immune sa mga nararamdaman mo!" Pero isang smile nya lang, isang text. Nakalimutan mo na lahat 'yun! Haaaay buhay pag ibig. Tapos minsan masasabi mo sa sarili mo na "i'm just wasting my time waiting for nothing" pero ayaw mo tignan ang sarili mo na nagsayang ka lang ng oras at panahon sakanya kasi sumaya at sumasaya ka sa pagmamahal mo sakanya kahit wala kang nakukuhang kapalit. Kahit na lahat na inasa nya nalang sayo, okay lang kasi gusto mo yun para mas mapalapit kayo at matulungan mo sya. Ayaw mong mapapariwara sya sa mga bagay bagay.

Sobrang sarap magmahal at hindi ito mali. Kailan ba naging mali ang magmahal? Hindi diba? Kahit sabihin mo pang mali dahil mali yung taong minahal mo. Hindi. Hindi mali, kasi nagmahal ka at bigla mo nalang naramdaman yun. Wala kang kasalanan, walang may kasalanan. Kung ano man 'yang nararamdaman mo, ipagpatuloy mo. Ang sarap kaya sa feeling. Napapangiti ka at kinikilig. Wala nang mas sasarap pa sa ganoon. Pero dapat alam mo ang limitasyon mo. Dapat marunong kang tumanggap kung ano ka lang. Choice mo yan kung gusto mong ipagpatuloy lahat o itigil na. Pero diba't mas mahirap na pigilan mo ang feelings mo kaysa let it all free?

The hardest part of it is the mere fact of ACCEPTANCE. pero once na nagundergo ka na sa ganyang process, marerealize mo na sobrang mas naging magaan ang feelings mo. Mahal mo man sya pero alam mo kung hanggang saan ka lang. No expectations just happiness. Mas magiging magaan ang lahat. Kaya siguro yung ibang tao nahihirapan sa pagibig kasi kahit anong gawin o sabihin nila naasa sila, di man nila iadmit sa sarili nila but they do. Kaya dapat matuto tayong tumanggap and syempre don't forget to ask the Lord for his guidance. Ipasakanya mo ang lahat at tiyak na di ka mapapariwara. Let it flow. �

"Don't keep her waiting just because you know she will"