Why

It's all about why....
Bigla lang pumasok sa isip ko. Bakit nandito pa rin ako sa posisyon na 'to? Pero naisip ko rin, bakit ko ba tinatanong? Eh alam ko na naman ang sagot... Kasi gusto ko pa rin sa posisyon na 'to.

Bakit ba kasi hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin kita maalis sa sistema ko? Ilang sakit pa ba paparamdam mo sakin para marealize ko lahat? Ilang pagpapasawalang bahala pa ba ang ipapakita mo sakin? Ilang pagpapakatanga pa ba ang gagawin ko? Ilang ulit pa ba akong susunod sa mga gusto mo? Ilang pagiintindi ko sa mga mali mong nagawa pa ba? Ilang pagsasambot ko pa ba sa mga kalokohan mo? Ilang beses pa ba ako magpapauto? Ilan pa ba? Ilan pa para masabi ko sa sarili ko na tapos na. Ilan pa? Oo nahihirapan ako. Paulit ulit. Paulit ulit nalang yung katangahan ko. Minsan, hindi ko na gusto pang ikwento sa iba kung ano yung nararamdaman ko kasi alam ko naman walang patutunguhan e. Alam ko lahat. Alam ko na wala naman akong mapapala. Alam ko na hanggang dito lang ako. Alam ko talaga. Dahil nakabalandra lahat sa harap ko ang napakaraming dahilan para tigilan ko na. Pero bakit kahit gano pa karami yun, ang nakikita ko pa rin sayo ay yung magandang side mo? Yung pag-asang siguro, isang araw makikita mo rin ako. Siguro nakikita mo na naman ako eh, sadyang hindi mo lang talaga kayang bigyan ng atensyon kaya eto. Ginagamit mo nalang. Di ko maintindihan sarili ko bakit ganito ako. At the end of the day, ikaw pa rin. Lagi nalang ikaw. Wala naman nangyayari. Kahit paulit ulit kong sabihin sa sarili ko 'to. Wala e. Ikaw parin ang tama para sakin. Bakit ganon. Bakit ganito. Ang dami kong tanong. Ang dami kong gustong pagtanungan sa nararamdaman ko, pero hindi ko alam kung paano. Hindi ko alam kung kanino. Hindi ko alam kung kelan at saan. Hindi ko alam kung meron pa ba akong pagtatanungan.

Siguro para sa ibang tao, akala nila madali lang 'tong pinagdadaanan ko. Kasi ano nga naman ba ang kinahirap na tigilan ang isang tao na kahit minsan hindi nagpakita sayo na gusto ka. At ang pinaparamdam lang eh, yung kailangan ka nya kaya lang sya nandyan at kung wala, wala rin sya. Pero hindi e. Sana nga yung naiisip nilang madali, ganon nalang talaga. Pero hindi ganon kadali. Kahit sabihin pa nila na mas mahirap yung lagay na kumplikado ang isang relasyon. Hindi e. Kasi mabuti pa yung relasyon na kumplikado, dalawa silang namomroblema. Eh ako? Ako na mag-isa lang? Kinakaya ko lang lahat ng mag-isa. At isa pa siguro sa masakit na parte ay yung alam mo naman na alam na nya yung nararamdaman mo saknya kahit na di ka umaamin, pero nandyan parin sya walang ginagawa at hinahayaan ka lang maramdaman lahat ng mag-isa.

Ang sakit lang kasi hindi ko alam kung kailan to matatapos. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ako magpapakatanga. Kasi kahit sabihin nyo sakin na narefresh ko na naman yung utak ko sa lahat ng katangahan na nagawa ko. Isang salita nya lang, nawawala na naman lahat. Nagiging sya na naman ang sentro ko. Sya na lang lagi.

Gusto kong malaman kung bakit ko 'to nararanasan. Gusto kong isipin na ano ba talaga ang meron sakanila na wala sakin? Patuloy kong ginagawa lahat mapansin nya lang ako. Pero kahit ano pang gawin ko, balewala lang sakanya. Kelan ko kaya mararamdaman na importante ako saknya? Kelan kaya dadating yung panahon na maiisip nya na "sana pala pinahalagahan ko sya", pero siguro, hindi na rin dadating yung panahon na 'yon.

At eto. Andito pa rin ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang susunod, pero nakakasiguro ako na masasaktan na naman ako. Kahit sabihin mong sanay na ako. Hindi ko pa rin mapigilan na mapaisip at magtanong. Hanggang kelan at bakit nangyayari sakin to? :'(

Paranoid thoughts

I still don't get it why I feel what I am feeling now. I'm pissed, hurt and sad. Nakakainis kasi yung alam ko naman na panandalian lang yung ganon pero affected pa rin ako masyado. Nakakainis kasi kahit sabihin ko sa sarili ko na snob ko na ren to ha. Kasi inisnob rin naman ako, pag ayan na. Di ko na mapigilan. Di ko na matiis. Ang unfair. Hayyy. Sobrang unfair. Sya, kakusapin lang ako pag gusto nya ng kausap o kaya pag gusto nya ng magaalaga sa kanya. Pero pag hindi, wala na ulit. Bakit ganon. Apat na taon na akong trap sa ganitong sitwasyon pero hindi ko pa rin magawang makaalis. :( Hayyyy. Tapos ilang araw lang, feeling ko may mababalitaan na naman ako na sobrang ikasasakit ko. Nararamdaman ko yung pagbabalik loob nilang dalawa e. Nung love na love nya. Ano ba naman laban ko dun. Walang wala. Ang yaman, maganda, makinis, maputi at syempre gustong gusto nya. Eh ako? Mabait lang ako saknya. Yun lang! Yun lang talaga. Kahit nga siguro maganda, di ako pasok sa standards nya. :( Sad to say but yes. Hayyy. Tapos nakakausap nya pa yung isa nyang nakamabutihan rin. Sobrang nagseselos talaga ako. Sobra. Kahit walang karapatan. :( Kahit wala syang paki sakin. Kahit na. Naiinis pa rin ako. Gustong gusto ko na makawala sa ganitong feeling. Ang hirap kasi e. Ang sakit sakit pa. Pero hindi ko alam kung pano. Hindi kp magawa yung tama! Kasi sa twing medyo umookay na yung pakiramdam ko, yan na naman sya biglang magpaparamdam ng konti lang. Tapos mawawala ulit. KASI NGA DI NAMAN AKO GANON KAIMPORTANTE SAKANYA. malinaw naman sakin yun e. Pero andito pa rin ako. Huhuhu. Sobra na. Tangang tanga na ako sa sarili ko. Hindi ko kasi talaga kayang iwan e. Kahit wala naman ako nakukuhang kapalit. Nagiging masaya ako pag masaya sya. Pero pag nakikita ko na masaya sya sa iba, sobra akong nasasaktan. Di ko na talaga alam.

At ikaw naman, mas okay pa siguro na di mo nalang ako chinachat, tinetext o kinakausap. Mas makakatulong ka sakin pag ganon. Sa totoo lang! Pag ginagawa mo kasi yung mga yan, naaattach na naman ako e. Napaparanoid pag seen mo lang ako o kaya di mo replyan. Kaya mas okay sana na wag mo nalang muna ako contact-in. K? Hayyyyy 😪😪

Maling Akala

"Buti pa sa ibang birthday present ka. Buti pa sa ibang surprises di ka nawawala. Pero dun sa pinakaaabangan kong special day ko, di ka makakapunta"

Akala ko kahit di kita sabihan, alam mo na eh. Akala ko talagang nireserve mo na yung araw na yun para sakin e. Akala ko magiging extra happy ako pagdating nung araw na yun e. Akala ko lang pala lahat.

Okay lang. Sanay naman ako na least priority mo. Sanay naman ako na hindi ako yung pinipili mo. Sanay naman ako na tatawagin mo lang ako kasi kailangan. Sanay naman ako eh. Sanay na sanay. Pero bakit nasasaktan pa rin ako? Nakakainis. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi hindi ko magawang maging immune kahit ekspiryensadong ekspiryensado na ko pagdating sayo e.

Well everything is going to happen for a reason. Wala naman ako magagawa eh kung hindi ka pwede. Wala naman talaga e. Okay lang kahit hindi. Hays. I have all the signs to give up but I'm still here. Okay lang. Okay lang naman maging tanga diba? Okay lang. Sasaya pa rin naman ako sa araw na yun kasi ang dami kong kaibigan na pupunta at mapapatunayan na mahal nila ako. na IMPORTANTE ako sa kanila. Well, thanks pa rin. Dinagdagan mo na naman ako ng reason. :) Thanks!

Unjust Feelings

I thought my feelings we're all done,

until I felt something inside.

Shouting your name, saying it's gone

but I'm wrong 'coz it's just in mind.

Trying to think why it happened?

and I'm clueless of the answers.

My heart helped me to awaken,

all my feelings to shower.

This is me, still looking at you.

The same person that I used to.

I'm searching and doesn't find clue,

but I always wish it's not due.

And then, I realized the truth.

Feelings are not gone, just sleeping,

afraid to come back but it suits.

Please let me, not end up crying.

Latest poem so far :) 

By Renzi Arriola. (10.26.15)

It was all me

Everything is happy at first but when it is at second, it was all a disaster.
This is a sad story of my life. Beware of it.
I met a wonderful guy who made me happy and feel alive again. No expectations, no assumptions. Just the "kilig" and happiness. We used to talk for hours. We used to chat for hours. We used to miss each other a lot. We used to. "USED TO". Until it was almost over. Almost done. Almost nothing. Or should I say none at all.
People always make ways to drift away my happiness. There was always a villain in a scene. It would be impossible for me to stop those hindrances. Well, I USED TO FEEL THAT WAY. "ALWAYS". Maybe i will never be someone's first this time. I'm always the one who makes them feel the life in a lighter way. But how 'bout me? Who can help me carry those heavy loads I get whenever I made a person feel lighter? Who would help me stand up whenever I fall off the ground? All these time, it was all me helping myself. I am the only one. Sad but true. :)

A piece of advice fellas: If your friend likes someone, don't try to grab the opportunity to have it coz sometimes, you'll never know that it is the only hope they're holding on.

Unrequited Encounter

Important companion before,
   who turned butterflies in the core.
Silently wishing to honor
   those feelings doesn't want to pour.

I know there's no turning back,
   to all my feelings that were flock.
Love cannot return like a clock,
   so appreciate 'til it's blank.

Questions in mind always playing,
   how to start story from staying?
Afraid to find out sensibly,
   the answers of clueless dreaming.

I'm just another girl for you,
   whom you can lean when you need clue.
Tears falling down, doesn't know who.
I loved quietly but stuck too.

It's time I must say my own thoughts,
I loved you before it was caught.
Kept my emotion, not to fought,
'coz I know we differ in thought.

It was a poem I made last July 14, 2015. So far, this is my favorite work of mine. It speaks what my mouth cannot. It's all my unpoken words and unspoken feelings. I know and I already accepted the fact that I'm just an imagination and an option to your kind of world.

Definitely Invisible

Rainbows came by behind the rain.
The sun comes up after the pain.
It was all calm, unlocking chain.
Flowers seems to bloom, beautiful again.

Shattered memories were all gone,
only bright colors start to shine.
All that I foresee was the fun,
not knowing that it can be crime.

I let you go because it's right.
Never mine, but all yours to fight.
I'm the only one playing kite
'cause you never see, way up high.

All the sacrifices went back.
It seems that, in cards I'm just your Jack.
Questions in mind that were unjust.
Why does you notice them, so fast?

It would be better if you said you don't have interest. It would be much better if you tell me, "don't worry and never bother because it's nothing." But all you said means, you're getting there. You're slaying. I don't have any right but the hardest part was you know what I've been through all these time. You know my story. I told you my story. The pain just came back. The sacrifices slapped me again. The memories are remembered. I don't know how to act because I don't want to be selfish. But, it hurts when you can't just tell me. You don't have the guts. It was all mine since everything changed. I let go because it's the right thing to do. I don't want to be stupid anymore. But even though I changed, there was still a part of me carrying those pieces in the past. It's not easy to throw away those memories I had. Those memories that made me happy and fulfilled. Those memories that made me know myself more. Those memories who hurt me. And most of all, those memories that made me lift up, love again and focus on myself. Those memories that made me realize my worth. It's not easy. I told you, it's not easy. If you were going to kidnap and grab the opportunity, why not. But I will tell you, I will be uncomfortable. I can gradually recover but I don't know if I'm going to be okay with that. I will accept but I may not bless.

Maybe some people will understand me, and maybe others not. It makes me sad knowing that it doesn't notice me. All the efforts, all the sacrifices were all waste. It will just prove me, face to face that it really doesn't belong to me.

Someday, I can get out of the moment. I can live without you slaying my old happiness.

"I'm just a butterfly flying with no reason and finding my desired match that can only use me and leave me after"

"I'm just an invisible angel, doing all the efforts just for you to be in good hands but cannot notice and be acknowledge." 

Yes! I'm stuck and I'm trapped.